Maybe this is it
by Cammiel
Summary: Paige feels forced to keep moving on when Hanna lets it slip out what happened between Emily and Alison… Paige-centric fic, strong Paige/Caleb friendship, mentions of Emison.
1. Chapter 1: Friends will be friends

First Pretty Little Liars fic, so be nice and let me know what you think.

**Maybe this is it…**

Paige decides to go on a date and see if she can let go of Emily, it just doesn't work. But she feels forced to keep moving on, when Hanna lets it slip what happened between Emily and Alison…

* * *

**Chapter 1: Friends will be friends**

_Friends will be friends, _  
_When you're through with life and all hope is lost, _  
_Hold out your hand cos friends will be friends right till the end_

**Queen**

Paige just keeps pedaling as fast as she can. Breathing is getting hard and she can feel her lungs aching for some release, her legs feel like iron and it hurts thinking about the cramps that would come later. Her back was cold now, her sweat was dripping and the once tightened bun was now a mess of hair. She sighed as soon as she saw the cabin and started pedalling even faster.

As soon as she was at the door, she threw the bike on the floor and knocked. It was dark outside, and there were no lights on in the place, but she was almost sure that Caleb was there. Her presentiment turned right when Caleb opened the door.

"Paige? What are you doing here?" He asked while rubbing his eyes and trying to focus.

"Hey! Were you sleeping? I'm sorry, I can come back later…" she said while turning around, but Caleb's eyes noticed her sweat, the bike that she was usually so careful with on the floor and how tired and breathless she was.  
"No, apparently this is important, come in," he said turning on the lights and opening a little bit more the door, letting her in.

Paige walked in and saw him walking towards the refrigerator and take two cold beers, she shook her head almost imperceptibly, making him hesitate, so he put them back, and served two glasses of water.

He walked parsimoniously towards her and put her glass in front of her, while drinking his.

"So… " he said, paying attention.

"I'm glad you are back," she blurted, making him smile, "you are my only real friend," she added staring intently at the rim of her glass. "I know we haven't talked in a while, you suddenly stopped calling and didn't reply my texts. And the last time I visited you in Ravenswood you were distant and…"

"Paige, I know." he said, looking uncomfortable. "Back then I was going through a lot, I still am… It's just complicated." He sighed and Paige looked intently at him.

"I'm sorry for not being there," she said, looking shy, but still facing him.

"I know, but there are things I'm still not ready to talk about, you know?" he rubbed his eyes again.

"I know, and when you need someone to talk to, I'll be here." she said firmly, he looked at her and smiled sadly.

There was silence among them for a couple of minutes, but it was comfortable, nice and familiar.

He stood up, and started to prepare some coffee after seeing Paige starting to shiver, Paige felt enthralled by his actions, pouring two cups and adding three spoons of sugar to hers.

She couldn't help wondering how he knew her that well, but then, they spent a lot of time trying to find out who A is, their motivations and their lair. It was during that time, when she realized that besides Emily and sometimes Emily's friends, she didn't really have other friends, some acquaintances clearly, and very good teammates, but not friends, and certainly not friends that she could discuss A with, so Caleb turned out not only to be a good 'partner in crime', but also understanding of the situation in a whole new level. Becoming really close friends was just the next step.

Her thoughts were interrupted by him leaving her mug in front of her and offering a blue hoodie that was hanging at the entrance.

"Thanks. At least it's not a black hoodie, huh?" she tried to laugh, but the joke fell flat.

"Is this A-related?" he asked after taking a sip at his coffee. Paige just shook her head. "Then what is it?"

"Emily," she simply said, as if it explained everything. And it did, because Caleb just nodded and drank some more coffee. "I had a date and…"

"You had a date with Emily?" he interrupted.

"No, her name is Sophie and she's part of the soccer team. She's nice and funny, but it all just felt, well, forced," she leaned back on the couch and sighed while staring at the ceiling.

Caleb made an agreement noise and looked at her. "You and Emily have been through a lot, you've been in love with her for years, you love her. It's not like you can just forget that overnight."

"It feels like she has, though." She replied without looking at him, "She seems okay with all this, she wants us to talk about our situation, and I said we would. But I don't know if I'm ready to hear her say one more time that she cares about me and that we should be friends. Because no matter if it's hours, or days, or even months, I can't bring myself to let her go."

"I know, you've tried a couple of times before and it didn't work out," he added and Paige chuckled, but it was sad.

Caleb knew how it felt, that need to let go, he tried it with Hanna and had had as much success as Paige. He could see the lump in her throat while trying not to cry, he wanted to tell her that it was ridiculous, that she could cry in front of him, that he understood, that he's been there and done that. But that would also mean that he had to explain his reasons, and he didn't know if he could do that.

He was about to say something, when he was interrupted by a noise in his door. His first reaction was to stand up and step forward so he could protect Paige. He just sighed after seeing familiar bright blue eyes.

"Hanna! I've told you to knock! You scared the crap out of me." He said while walking towards her and taking the bags with groceries she had from her hands.

"Yeah, I know. But your face is priceless…" She replied while shrugging. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Paige sitting in Caleb's couch with a coffee cup in her hands.

"I guess this is my cue," Paige said, starting to stand up.

"No, " Caleb said, "you can stay, I can cook," he said sheepishly.

"Are you trying to convince me to stay or making me run away as fast as possible?" Paige asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Stay Paige, I'll cook and last-case-scenario, I'll pay for the pizza," Hanna shrugged while smiling.

"Thanks," she replied and Caleb smiled.

It felt good, Caleb thought, somehow Hanna and Paige never got to interact that much, which is weird. Maybe the fact that Emily and Paige were no longer dating had something to do, but still. They seem to get along, and he's glad. Paige is one of his closest friends, he's certain that when the time comes, she'll be one of the first to know about Ravenswood.

They all started to help, Hanna started to talk about cuts with Paige and how to save oil and some other stuff and he offered to put water to boil for the pasta. They made idle chitchat while putting the pasta in the boiling water, cutting veggies and then serving, but it wasn't until they were seated with food in front of them that the silence started. For one, they were all hungry, clearly Paige was famished after all the exercise, Caleb hadn't eaten anything since lunch and Hanna was just simply enjoying her food.

They were interrupted by many messages in a row. Hanna stood up and checked them and rolled her eyes.

"What happened?" Caleb asked, barely waiting until he had finished chewing.

"Alison," Hanna huffed, "as always…" she added, rolling her eyes and focusing in her food again.

Paige didn't make a sound. No matter how long had passed, nor what Alison had - allegedly - gone through. For her, Alison DiLaurentis would always be the person that would whisper 'pigskin' in her ear whenever she could, the person that would taunt her and laugh at her for being in love with one of her best friends, the one that would blackmail her and threat her with forcing her out of the closet.

"I don't know why you guys keep being her minions, seriously." Caleb said, "we all know what she can do, how toxic she can be. You guys need to let it go, let her go, too." he added looking impatient, messing his own hair.

"That's what I'm trying to do, but it's not easy…" Hanna said, leaving her fork on her plate and slouching in her chair.

"Tell me about it," Paige said looking at her plate.

"I think you all need a clean slate, maybe go on vacation together, leave Rosewood for a couple of days, I don't know." Caleb added.  
"It's not easy, there's an on-going investigation keeping us here. Remember?" Hanna said closing her eyes, looking tired.

"If you ever need to escape for a while, let me know. My parents have a cabin near the lake. Maybe you just can think clearly if you are exposed to fresh air," Paige suggested and Hanna smiled at her.

"Thanks. What bothers me the most is that now everything is even more messed up. Alison's presence brings the worst out of all of us, and now we are fighting as never before! Spencer doesn't trust Ali, Aria thinks she's the same Ali that left when we were 15, and Emily was too busy holding her hand and kissing her to keep her mind clear…" Hanna suddenly felt the atmosphere change and Caleb looked at her intently. Paige immediately looked at her plate, like trying to process the new information. "Oh my God! I'm sorry Paige. I shouldn't have said anything. I'm…" She tried to finish, but she couldn't.  
"Don't… Worry, Han. I'll just… I have to go," Paige said, standing up. "I'm sorry I can't help you guys with the dishes. Some other time," she added distractedly.

"Paige…" Caleb started, standing up.

"No, Caleb… I'm okay, I'll…" she stopped mid sentence trying to organize her chaotic thoughts. "Maybe this is what I needed, you know?" she said looking at Caleb who looked worried, and at Hanna who still looked regretful.  
"I'm sorry," he said with sadness.

"I'll see you tomorrow, guys." She said walking fast towards the door and closing it in a sharp movement. She took her bike and started pedalling even faster than when she arrived. Trying to contain the bile coming up, making her want to vomit and cry asking _why?_

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**That's it for now, guys. Let me know what you think and what you'd like to happen!**


	2. Chapter 2: Swim

Author's note: I'd like to thank you all for your reviews and comments, I didn't think you guys would be this interested. Now, some clarification: Emily and Alison are not together. Actually, this fic follows canon up to episode 10 of season 5 "A dark Ali". For plot purposes, Emily didn't tell Hanna about her conversation with Ali, meaning that Hanna thinks Emily is still supporting Alison. Also, despite of the fact that I dislike Alison, I'm not the kind of fic writer that bashes characters they dislike. I think even in the series Alison is there for a reason, I don't see her as evil, nor as good. She's a complex character, whose intentions we don't know yet, so I'll just stick to what we've seen/know of her from canon and move from there. That's all, folks! I hope you enjoy this.

**Maybe this is it…**

Paige decides to go on a date and see if she can let go of Emily, it just doesn't work. But she feels forced to keep moving on, when Hanna lets it slip what happened between Emily and Alison…

* * *

Trigger Warning: Mentions of bullying and Paige's thoughts about ending her life.

**Chapter two: Swim**

_You gotta swim and swim when it hurts _  
_The whole world is watching _  
_You haven't come this far to fall off the earth _  
_The currents will pull you away from your love _  
_Just keep your head above_

**Jack's Mannequin**

_One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe…_

She had gotten in the natatorium at 6 o'clock. The janitor hadn't even bat an eyelid when he saw her sweating in her running clothes and with a begging expression, he had just smiled and let her in. He knew she would bring him coffee and a muffin just before classes in return. So he just walked away and pretended nothing happened.

_One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe…_

If only life would be as simple as swimming. If only life was like water, so she could just take a pause, breathe and go through it without major distress. Swimming was the only thing she had left, swimming and the idea of what can be, what comes next. Swimming will help, the thought echoed in her head. Swimming will help, it always does.

_One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe…_

There were many reasons why Paige was such a good swimmer. For one, she was naturally good at it, even when she was five and her mother decided that swimming lessons were in order because having a pool and a 4 year old kid was a call for trouble to come knocking on her door.

_One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe…_

Her father was competitive by excellence, because obviously - as a McCullers, you have to be the best you can be - except that sometimes doing your best wasn't enough for Nick McCullers.

Swimming was the thing she did best, too, so all her energy was focused on being even better, breaking her personal record, breaking other people's records. But swimming was also the thing that she'd have when everything else was just darkness. When she would doubt who she truly liked, when she thought about soft lips instead of rough hands, when she would daydream of being with someone with fruity and floral scent instead of someone that smelled woody or musky. Swimming was what kept her alive during those times. Swimming kept her alive when everything was confusing and crumbling around her, even who she thought she was, or the idea of who she wanted to be.

_One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe…_

Alison had everything Paige wanted, and she was everything Paige despised. Yes, she was pretty and popular, and the McCullers in her wanted to be those things, wanted to be known, recognized. But that wasn't enough. It turned out that Alison was not popular only for being pretty, she was a magician… She was an expert at playing with smoke and mirrors. Once she made you feel secure and you let your guard down, she would take whatever she wanted from you and then use it against you. Paige knew that, even back then when most her classmates and friends' only goal in life was being friends with Alison DiLaurentis. It had cost her too much… And Paige should have known better, she should have at least expected Alison to return who she was, to be a ruler, to make sure everything was in place, and that included Paige. Poor secluded Paige, with her swimming and her competitiveness, and her trophees. And Emily, sweet, nice Emily… Always by Alison's side.

_One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe…_

She could still remember it, word by word, feeling by feeling. She had poured her soul in that letter. Her fears, her hopes, and her truths. She had felt relieved, with a weird sense of accomplishment once she was done. She was hopeful, she couldn't help expecting Emily's reaction. She didn't tell her she liked her, no. It was too soon, it would mean that she was expecting too much. That letter, had been her salvation and her ruin. That letter had made her accept who she was, maybe just to herself, but it was the first step. Deep inside, she thanked that opportunity. What she wasn't grateful for was the uncertainty, the feeling of being a puppet… Alison's muppet.

_One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe…_

She could still remember that day. Alison had taken the letter the day before, and it was raining as it shouldn't be in the middle of April. She had just gone running, so she could clear her mind and had decided to go to The Brew for some juice when she saw them. They were talking and smiling when Alison noticed her watching them. She had whispered something in Emily's ear making her blush and laugh out loud and it made Paige want to run away, but she couldn't. She would wait for her juice, and would walk away with her head held high, as a McCullers would always do. She turned around to take her juice and steal a glance of the two girls when she saw Emily sitting alone. Just when she decided to escape from there she noticed her presence next to her.

"Don't even think of it, Pigskin. You are repulsive."

That's when it had started, her thoughts of giving up, the darkness around her, her unwillingness to see beyond her darkest thoughts, the realization that she couldn't come out, that her life would be ruined, that her parents would reject her, that if Emily Fields - one of the nicest people she'd met - couldn't care for her, no one else would; that no one could love her anyway, after all… She was repulsive.

_One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe…_

Paige was competitive and she would fight to be the best, to win. But probably the main fuel behind the desire to end up spent after training, to win everything, to fight was simply anger.

So Paige would swim whenever she lost, whenever she felt lost, when Alison would be especially cruel, when Emily Fields wouldn't even look her way, when her dad would push her harder, when in a family dinner without even noticing her parents would make some homophobic comment - not because they intended to, but because it came naturally to them, which hurt her even more - She would swim when she was happy after winning and when she was sad or simply tired of hiding. Paige would swim after sweet dreams of soft skin and full feminine lips, and she would swim after lying once again and saying she liked some male classmate.

There was just one escape to it all… Swimming. The water felt like home, as if nothing else existed. Because it was the only instance when loneliness was justified, when her achievements were exclusively hers, despite of being in a team. Because the physical exhaustion that came after training made her feel something different than the darkness that surrounded her.

_One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe… One, two, three, breathe…_

She knew the team had arrived, she could hear them whenever she had to take a breathing pause, that meant that Emily was nearby with coach, which just made her going faster, angrier, not at Emily, but at herself, at the situation.

Paige swims for a lot of reasons, and in that moment Paige was swimming to forget, to let go, to move on. Emily… Emily and her voice, and her lips, and her naïveté, always trying to see the best in everyone, always putting her heart on the line… For everyone, but Paige McCullers...

_One, two…_

She gasped trying to breathe again, she felt her hand touch the pool wall and everything hurt, not only physically.

"Incredible turn, McCullers!"

Paige recognized the voice immediately and took off her goggles and saw her sitting looking at her lane. She didn't even thought about what she was doing when she practically jumped out of the pool and crushed the girl in a hug. The other girl's laugh was contagious and they just hugged for a couple of seconds before looking at each other.

"When did you come back? Why didn't you call me, little traitor!" Paige asked, her wide smile reflecting how happy she was.  
"You were the one that changed her phone number, McCullers! I've tried to call you, and then things got messy in Cali and my father decided that coming back to Rosewood was in order." The girl replied looking happy to be back.

"You look…" Paige started to say, noticing the girls sparkling eyes, her welcoming smile, and her new look.

"Awesome?" the girl finished with a laugh.

"I was going to go with 'different', but yes, awesome too." Paige said smiling, remembering their good ol' times, riding bicycles, competing to see who was the fastest, playing with mud…

"I've missed you so much," the smaller girl said with a pout, making Paige laugh.

"I've missed you, too." The swimming captain said pulling her close and hugging her again, "we have a lot to talk about, many things have happened that you need to know, and…"

"We have a lot of time, Paigey," the girl replied laughing know how much Paige hated the nickname, but Paige was too ecstatic to complain.

"Oh my god, I'm getting you all wet!" Paige realized and stopped hugging the girl.

"I could make a pun about that, right now. But I won't," the girl said making Paige stop in her tracks.

"So you know…" Paige wondered how she would react.

"I always have known, P." she replied, which made Paige smile, not only at the answer, but to her old nickname. She was about to say something else, when she was interrupted.

Coach Fulton started to clap to get everyone's attention while Emily was standing next to her. Paige couldn't help looking at her feet, Emily was staring directly at her, and it was uncomfortable and unsettling. Her thoughts were interrupted by her coach's voice.

"Okay girls, good morning! I'm here to let you know that the Sharks have a new-old member. Please welcome back miss Pru Chang, she's back for good, so let's be nice and let's also hope that 'McChang' works as good as it used to" The coach said smiling. All the older members of the team smiled and laughed, while the new ones asked them why the portmanteau. Paige felt Pru's arm moving and giving her a side hug.

"I'm pretty sure we will," Pru said with a smile, making Paige smile back and nod.

"Perfect! Now, go back to training! Training is the key to success!" The coach added while palming Emily's back and walking towards her office.

"Okay, let's go!" Pru said with excitement and Paige nodded.

Paige was happy that Pru was back, even back when she was in a dark place, Pru had been there for her. Pru was the one that saw the scars, and Pru was the one that not only told her to seek help, but also helped her and was with her constantly, making sure she didn't feel lonely, making sure Alison DiLaurentis wouldn't come near her.

Paige started walking and looked up. Emily was looking at her, and Paige couldn't read her expression. For the first time, Paige didn't want to either. So she decided to walk behind Pru and stay for a while. There were a lot of things to talk about, coming out, her love life, the breakup, and Alison coming back. Paige couldn't help it, it didn't matter that she wasn't swimming, it was almost like a reflex, so she mentally prepared herself for the conversation with Pru and counted...

_One, two three... Breathe_

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**That's it for now, guys. Let me know what you think and what you'd like to happen! If you see any grammatical/spelling mistake, let me know, too! English is not my native language, so any comment will help :)**


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